


The pain you feel (it's just loss)

by Putzi_14



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Hurt, Other characters mentioned - Freeform, Philinda being separated, also Phil and Tony would be good friends, and they hate it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-22
Updated: 2017-11-22
Packaged: 2019-02-05 11:16:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,024
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12793425
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Putzi_14/pseuds/Putzi_14
Summary: After months of searching for Coulson, Melinda stands at Tony's door to get his help. Meanwhile, Coulson is stationed alone on a spaceship for a reason he yet has to find out. Lots of Philinda missing each other, hurt and angst controlling them, and Tony trying to be the friend he wants to be for Phil. Takes place in Season 5 and before Infinity War.





	The pain you feel (it's just loss)

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the Philinda Big Bang 2k17. Please enjoy and tell me if you liked it, also check out the other stories in the collection!

The coffin was closed. His body was to damaged after a failed operation, a last desperate try to save his life. Fury said something about him wanting to be burned after death, but the Avengers and his colleagues still felt the urge to give him the last honor, so they buried his ash in that coffin. It was a nice day, sunny, no clouds disturbing the bright blue sky. A little podium stood next to the coffin with a picture of Phil, an official Shield one, and then Fury was speaking.  
Tony sat in the second row, Pepper by his side, who was crying silently. He gave the crowd around him a short look, to see whom he recognized. Romanov, Barton, Rogers and Banner were sitting in line beside himself; a few Agents, maybe eight, in front of them, only Sitwell he knew. One woman caught his attention. She was beautiful, small, but seemed fierce in her features, nearly cold, Asian, with a blank expression on her face. She looked like it was just another funeral, just another dead Agent. But her eyes and hands said something different. Her dark eyes were red and a little bit swollen from crying so much, her hand balled into fists, perhaps to bury her anger and grief. Tony´s attention was swept away as Fury began to speak:  
“Before we begin, I want to thank you for attending this interment. It is not every day that I have to bury one of my Agents. It hurts, every time I have to, and I say to myself that everyone under me has the same value. But you all know, how it works. Some people are closer to you.” He glanced at the notes in his hands, sighing, then putting them away in his black coat.  
“Phil was more than just an Agent for me. He was a good friend, someone I trusted blindly, since the day I got to know him. He was just nine that day and even then I saw his potential, to become a part of something bigger. I watched him grow up, guided him and was sometimes more strict to him than I had to, probably even mean. I wanted to help build his strengths and become the man he was until now.” Tony never saw Fury smile or grin before, not wholeheartedly, but in this moment Fury let out a silent huff, smiling at the ground. “In all these years I knew him, he never disappointed me. He had a hell of a thick skull sometimes and made the worst puns and jokes you heard your entire life.” Small laughter filled the air around him, the Agents seemed to know exactly what Fury meant. Tony glanced again at the woman, a smile formed on her face, eyes closing as a few tears descended over her cheeks. Something inside him ached as he watched the women and her grief. He teared his stare away from her and back on Fury.  
“It is true, what they say. You only see the true value of someone when they´re gone. Agent Cou – … Phil, was not only one of the few people I trusted. He was the only one I could always rely on.” With his eye on the ground, Fury walked towards the coffin and laid his hand on it, whispering something what Tony could only assume as “I am sorry” and something else. Then he gave a nod and music began to play, the crowd rising from their seats. The woman in the front walked slowly towards Fury, who caught her hand and squeezed it, a strangely emotional reaction for a man like the director. The woman had something in her other hand, that Tony couldn't see, and place it by the picture of Phil. She gently touched it with her fingers, caressing his face before turning and walking aside.  
Everybody in a line gave their last goodbyes and when it was Tony´s turn he placed his hand on the coffin, falling to one knee, whispering: “I wanted to thank you. Not only for keeping up with me, saving my ass, but for teaching me something.” His gaze turned towards the picture, were a smaller one was attached to by the woman, a picture of Phil and herself, younger, smiling, arms around each other, looking happy and without sorrows.  
“Thanks for showing me, what it means to be part of something important.” He bowed his head one last time, before standing up and walking aside, taking Peppers hand and watching how his friend was released into the grave. As it was sealed, he saw the woman walk away, straightly towards a black SUV and driving away. He never saw her again.  
That was five years ago. A lot has happened since the funeral, where he buried a man he barely knew, but looking back Tony was calling him a friend. Someone he liked to have known better than just the suit-and-sunglasses-wearing-Agent he was introduced to ten years prior. Tony asked himself if this man would still believe in heroes if he had seen what the Avengers are today, what Tony did to them and the world. He let his greatest fear, his fear of loss, control his actions and way of thinking.  
But today should not have been a day full of grieving and guilt. No. Today was the day, he saw a ghost standing at his front door.

_Three weeks ago_

“You need to rest, May.”  
“I´m fine.”  
“You don´t look fine.”  
She let out a snort, getting her bag from under the bed and started packing.  
“Thank you, not your most charming moment.” May walked over to her drawer, but her way was blocked by him.  
“You know how I mean that. You need to take care of yourself, eat something, sleep...”  
“How can I rest when you´re somewhere out there, without me!?” Phil didn´t answer, nor did he moved. He just stared at her, blankly, watching as the first tear rolled down over her cheek. Slowly, also gently he lifted his hand to her jaw, his thumb trying to wiping off her tears. But she felt nothing. She wanted him near her, ached to feel his warmth again, hear his soothing voice – without caring what he would say, even his pointless rambling was something she missed so badly these days. The tears were now streaming down her face, her eyes red already. Melinda looked at him, knowing this was only an imagination again, but still feeling the urge to say it: “I need you! I know I never admit it, but I can´t function without you, you keep me sane and … and now I don´t know what to do, I just want you back, if you are still alive at all or...” She couldn't hold it back anymore, it was to much, the last four months Melinda and the Team had searched for him, without any sign of success. No trace of who kidnapped them at the Diner either. The Team had woken up on the Zephyr, alone, unharmed and without Phil. His clothes were gone, a spare hand gone from the lab and his file was secured and buried, not even Daisy could hack into the firewalls. Whoever wanted Coulson, he had done a good job.  
Phil Coulson had vanished.  
And here sat Melinda May, crying over a man she would probably never see again, whom she knew more than half her life, who was her best friend and something she had no words for. She needed him, always had, but the fear of loosing him as her friend was bigger, than her wish to get more of him, as much as she wanted to. Melinda didn't remember laying down on her bed, neither falling asleep, but for once in a while, she was grateful for a dreamless night.

It was official now, he hated space. The first two weeks Phil had mixed feelings about his new “mission”. Between missing his team, missing Melinda and missing solid ground under his feed, Phil somewhat also felt a rush of excitement every time he looked outside the windows. After a month fear was a daily companion of him. Never going back, never seeing his team again, never telling Melinda... and then dying alone on this spaceship. These thoughts came easy these days. After seven weeks he gave up on both hope and fear, he just excepted that what he was doing now was important and he couldn't get away from it. Phil also gave up on shaving. Every two weeks he trimmed it sort of a bit so he was comfortable with it. Last time he had a beard like that he was somewhere in Russia and just hadn't had the time to shave. He also started training everyday, to get his mind focused and compensate the lower gravity on board, so it wouldn't be to hard for him back on Earth. Hope again. Sometimes it just came creeping back into his mind. But apart from doing exercises and doing his work, there was not much to do. All Phil had to do was watching the instruments, controlling the system, just keeping everything working. A few times he actually had to go outside, make a space trip, to change … something.  
Honestly, the ship was a wrack. And he had read only the first half of the construction logbook. He wished Fitzsimmons were on board, they would've understood everything in half of the time. Mack could then probably upgrade this thing to a point were Phil would not be afraid of the damn thing blowing it self up. And were Mack is would be Yoyo. Daisy would enjoy some time in space, her eyes would probably sparkle at the sight he had from the cockpit. And May. She would be the one keeping him sane, or however it is called when you're not talking to a plant in your kitchen/common room. Which he totally did not do. Never. He just happened to saying something and the plant was coincidentally there.  
As he thought about it, that didn't made him sound any less weird. But the talking helped keeping him sort of normal these days. After four months on a space ship, alone, he was struggling with a few things.  
Time was one of them, he had no idea when one day begun and another ended. That mixed with his workaholic nature and his nightmares sleep was a rare thing for him. He tried, but it was not easy for him. Normally Melinda would be with him, calm him down, get a drink with him, sometimes talking, other times just cherishing the silence and each others company.  
Most times he just missed her. Her smile, her beauty, her voice and that brilliant mind, but mostly her silence. That's what always grounded him, just her listening. The rest of the time, he missed her so much he felt like crying. He never actually cried, but that burning feeling inside you, that accumulated itself behind your eyes and just kept burning and burning...  
It makes your body tremble and you feel like throwing up whilst your heart get's crushed in your chest. It's far worse then actually crying, Phil believed sometimes it would help him, but he never made it to the point of tears.  
That's why he stood here, in front of the punching bag in week 17, with no tape on his hands but with a whole lot of anger in his chest beating repeatedly on to that bag, grunting, screaming at it for so long until his knuckles were torn and bleeding, and then some more until he didn't felt anything at all. He knew he would regret it afterwords, his hands contused if not some knuckles broken and his arms would sting like hell. But right now it was his only valve to seek relieve. To forget.

 

“Didn't thought I would ever see you again, Agent...?”  
“May.” Tony looked her over, finding signs of complete exhaustion, sadness, but also a flicker of hope. He stepped aside and gestured her inside. How she found him here he didn't even dare to ask. After everything that happened Tony had needed some time alone, only Pepper knew where he was, and JARVIS of course. It was an old house his father owned, far away from civilization – just him, his work and nature. But Tony assumed the Agent standing before him was no one ordinary, so finding him didn't seemed to be a problem for her. She stood in the middle of the living room, looking more jazzed than before.  
“Can I offer you something to drink? I know you wouldn't be here if it's not important, but you seem worn.” Agent May opened her mouth, ready to argue, but then she closed her eyes, nodding and asking for some tea.  
“No problem, I'll be right back.” Tony offered her a soft smile, something he didn't do often these days, but this woman had a look of loss in her eyes which made Tony shiver. A few minutes later he came back, two cups of tea in his hands, passing her one of them and getting a silent “Thank you”. They sad in silence for a few minutes more, sipping tea, until she appeared to be ready enough to talk about why she was here.  
“I need your help finding Coulson.” Tony nearly split his tea hearing the name.  
“I don't want to be disrespectful, but I remember clearly you being at his funeral, so you should know were to find him.” He tried to make a small joke, but Agent May stayed blank. Then she began, telling the story how that lunatic ass Fury had brought Coulson back.  
“Phil was very pissed and angry, but he still did everything to rescue SHIELD. The last year was extremely... difficult for everyone of us. He made a tough decision to rescue our team and the world probably too. It ended well, but we were kidnapped. When the team woke up we were back on our plane, unharmed, but no trace of Coulson – and I mean none. Everything about him is erased, when you look for him it's like as if he had never existed. And no trace of who did this.” To say the least Tony was overwhelmed. It was a lot to process, but he knew he had to push that aside. He needed to concentrate on the fact that Coulson was still alive and needed his help.  
“When did that happened? I mean the moment you woke up again.”  
“Nearly five months ago. 19 Weeks exactly.”  
“That's a long time. But I think I could try to find a signature, someone must have hacked the system to erase Phil. Not only Shield server...”

 

He went on rambling about what he had to do, whilst telling JARVIS to search for... something she didn't understood. Tony was so busy that she used the minute she had to take a few deep breaths. Her hands were shaking, she noticed first, then her whole body as she tried not to give in her need to cry. Slowly whilst her talk with Stark she gained something Melinda thought she had lost – hope. With Stark rambling, searching, doing his thing, she more and more felt hope rise inside herself, a simple and tiny sparkle in her heart, but great enough to make her feel dizzy. After ten minutes of sitting there, her phone was ringing. A look on the caller ID told her it was Daisy. Taking another deep breath Melinda accepted the call.  
“Daisy, what is it?”  
_“Oh, how about 'Where are you?'! 'What are you doing?' 'Why the hell did you left without saying anything?!'”_ The young woman not only sounded angry, but hurt and concerned.  
“I left you a note.”  
_“Ah yes, your note. 'I'm gone for a few days. Bye'.“_  
“I didn't had the time to explain myself fully.”  
_“That's the understatement of the century!”_ Now Daisy was furious. She just hoped that the woman had her powers under control even when she was this angry. Melinda knew she should have said something, give her a warning that she was leaving, but she could not waste any more time with explaining her plan to the team. Was it unfair? Perhaps. Should she have been more honest with them? Definitely. But this was Phil she was thinking about. As harsh and cruel as it may sounded, but to her he meant so much more then anyone else, even her team who she thought of as family. She knew him so much longer, longer than most of them have been on this world. And if lying to her family meant to have a chance to save Phil, she would take it, without a doubt.  
Melinda heard Daisy sighing.  
_“I know how much he means to you, but –“_  
“No. You don't.” Another sigh, a different, something acknowledging.  
_“Just come back save. I can't bear loosing both of you.”_  
“It'll be fine” she lied. Honestly, she had no idea what she had lead herself into, but she would take the risks.  
_“Yeah, of course. Just take care of yourself.”_ She promised it. She had to. That was the least she owed the young woman. She had developed so much from the girl Phil had kidnapped out of that small Van Skye had called her home to the woman she was today. A hero, with a good heart and the power to change the world. There was not much left of the scared girl named Skye, but her constantly concerning remained. Sometimes Melinda missed that girl. It remembered her of more carefree times, when the worst they had to worry about were the two science kids in their BUS who had no experience in combat and that young girl who could hack their system before breakfast. But even these were hard times. And better times were not in sight.  
Melinda was saying her goodbyes, but but before she hang up, Daisy had one more thing to say: _“And May? I know you can bring him back. I have faith in you.”_  
And with that, the call ended.

 

A loud noise dragged him out of another dreamless night. At first he thought he was in his bunk, on earth, just hearing the alert from the hallway that someone irrupted into the base. But that sound was different. Then Phil recognized his surroundings, finding himself in the cockpit. He fell asleep there, again. It happened more often in the last few weeks, more than he liked to admit, it was bad, mostly for his arm, because he forgot to remove his false limb, which cause some pain and discomfort in the rest of his arm. Absently he put his limb down and massaged the stump above the junction, while searching for the source of the noise he heard. Surprisingly it was one of the devices he never used or even had to look up, because he was in the middle of nowhere, presumably. Phil couldn't be sure, but in the last five and a half months he never got the pleasure of hearing the sound of someone trying to communicate with him. To be honest, at this point of being alone, he would even welcome a rack of alien wanting to simply kill him. At least then he would have something to do, just for a little diversion. Phil moved from his uncomfortable position on the … commando chair, you could say, and literally punched the button of the communication device. As he did so, he remembered again that it meant he had to answer, which required speaking, which he only did so to himself or his plant, Chewie. And yes, he did felt a bit more like Han Solo, given the fact that he never understood the sounds that Wookie made. Like his plant didn't answered him, luckily, or he would've truly been bonkers. 'Wow, great, I'm even rambling in my head'. But back to the point, the button was pushed and the line was open, and all his brain managed to put together was a stuttered “Ahm … yes?” 'Smooth Phil, very smooth'. The response came almost immediately.  
_“Agent? Phil Coulson?”_ 'Strange, I remember that voice'. But there was no face to that voice, but the quality wasn't that good either.  
“Ah yes? Wh-who is there?”  
_“Here is – “_  
_“Phil!”_ The voice was cut off by someone he would remember under any given circumstances, even somewhere at the other end of fucking space.  
“Melinda! Where?! H-How?!” Phil was speechless, his heart was racing and all the emotions he normally let out on the punching-bag came rushing out.  
_“Are you okay?!”_  
“Yeah- yes I am, I'm –“ He was actually struggling to find words, overwhelmed by everything. Which led to some pretty strong doubts about his sanity, it wouldn't be the first time he imagined being rescued by Melinda or hearing her voice. That other voice however was new. If it was illusion his mind made up again or – great, now he was struggling even in his own head.  
“Melinda? Please, tell me, is .. is this real?” Phil heard her exhale, sighing with relief.  
_“Yes. Yes Phil, this is real. I've found you. I've finally found you.”_ Smiling came now easy to him, as where the tears of his own relief, all the doubts falling off of his heart and soul. She found him. Like she always did. His thoughts were cut off by the voice from earlier, which sounded a bit annoyed and strangely sarcastic, in a familiar way.  
_“Ahem, I really don't want to brag here, but technically I found him, speaking literally here.”_  
Phil knew this voice and he remembered it well. “Stark?!”  
_“Yes, hi there Agent. I think you have some explaining to do. But first I need to get you back here and I can do that as soon as you two stop your admittedly very cute distant languishing.”_

 

After finding out the exact position, which Coulson was holding, it was easy for the man to set the course back home. It took another week for him to appear in earths orbit and three more days in quarantine before Agent May, her team and Tony had the chance to see him. Phil Coulson had changed a lot from the last time he had catches sight of the man. The hair was shorter, he appeared broader and somehow stronger, the beard was new too. And surprisingly yet somehow not considering he was on a spaceship Coulson wasn't wearing a suit. The next thing he noticed were the emotions which exchanged in this little group. Tony stood a bit aside and just enjoyed observing them. The young women, Daisy – who he still believed was the daughter of Agent May and Coulson (the resemblance was high), which they denied vehemently – run up to Coulson first and hugged him, muttering something which made Coulson chuckle before stepping back and letting the others great him properly. The whole time the man was beaming with joy, Tony had never witnessed him like that. It stopped the moment he spotted May, his features turning into something different, which his team seemed to realize too. All together they left the room, saying something about waiting at the Zephyr, leaving the two Agents alone. First, they did nothing else but stare at each other, longingly. Then they began talking softly and low, smiling or making concerned faces, until Coulson held his hand out for her to take and pulled her slowly to him, just holding her, holding each other. Tony smiled and turn around, leaving them too. He could have his speech about Agent not calling or that not being dead fact later. They deserved one moment alone.

 

Phil felt different than the last time they were this close. His muscles more defined, he had probably enough time for some good workout. When she took his hand she had felt new scars over his knuckles, his palms even rougher than before. And then there was the beard.  
“Why the hair?” she asked him, eyes still closed against his chest, taking in his warmth. His scent was strange from decontamination, everything him was literally washed away, which was a shame, he normally smelled nice. Familiar. Safe.  
“I was alone, shaving felt absurd after a few weeks, so I just trimmed it and got used to it.” She felt him moving his head from where it was positioned with his cheek on her hair, so she looked up to find him gazing at her, his face only mere inches away from hers, their noses almost touching. His hand, his real one, came up stroking a lock of hair back behind her ears. It gave her a pleasant anticipation, her pupils must be blown widely by now and Melinda wondered how much longer she could hold her heart back from bursting out of her chest. This man standing so close to her was what she wanted the most in her life and Melinda had no desire to wait any longer, waste any more precious time with him.  
For a moment she saw him look down at his feet, telling her he will shave it when he get's the chance to do it properly.  
“Don't bother on my behalf” she nearly purred with want, treading her finger trough the salt-and-pepper hair on his cheek, driving her thumb over Phil´s chin and lower lip, taking his breath for a moment, “it's a good look on you.” She barely said the last words when his lips were crashing down on hers, making her heart explode in her chest with relief and joy. Of course they had kissed before, undercover missions sometimes required that, but it always was with the all their thoughts focused on work, on not dieing and with the believe that the other one only saw them as a friend. And they were holding this believe for thirty years, not giving into their feelings and desires. Oh man, they were so stupid. What Melinda experienced in that moment she had never felt before. This had to be what pure magic must be. His lips were warm and so soft, his beard tickling her skin, waking a craving inside her she thought she would never feel again. His real hand crawled into her hair, tucking at it ever so gently, the other one stroking over her cheek, throat, collarbone, slightly streaking her breast until saddling on her hip, kneading her flesh trough shirt while his tongue slowly invaded her mouth. Wouldn't Phil be holding her to his body so demanding, her knees would give up. Both Melinda's hands clawed into his neck, holding herself up and at the same time pulling him down to her for more. She always knew he would be a fantastic kisser, perhaps it was because of the delirium she found herself drawn in, but Melinda couldn't remember ever feeling anything comparable. Between kisses they took in some sharp breathes, they must look so desperate, as if these were their last moments. Melinda couldn't help herself, she needed him like the blood that was now rushing on high speed trough her veins. She wanted this kiss to never end.

Kissing her felt like heaven, which was the reason why disrupting it felt like the worst thing he had ever done, but it was necessary. Of course, Phil would be happy to do nothing else but kissing her all day long, until his (hopefully not so soon coming) dying day. But he needed to see her face, felt the urge to come clear with her and his feelings. Burying them would do more harm than good, and now was not the right time to be afraid. Phil gave her two light kisses on her swollen red lips, one on the tip of her nose and a last one for her forehead. She trembled slightly, her skin warm under his lips.  
“Melinda.” She lifted her head but kept her eyes close, her breath hot and fast on his face.  
“Melinda, please, look at me. I want to see your beautiful eyes.” Now she smiled, brightly, but biting back a comment about him being corny.  
“Even though I think after this kiss you will now what you mean to me, but for the sake of my heart and sanity, I need to say it. You mean everything to me, Melinda. You are my everything and I don't want to make any false promises, I just want you to know that I can't lose you. Never again.” It felt like something heavy was lifted from his chest, bringing a relief to him Phil never thought he would experience. Finally, after years of denying, the fear was gone. He no longer kept any of it, just the truth in his heart, what he felt for her.  
Phil had saw her gasp at his confession, eyes watering a bit, but there he found a smile forming and growing on her lips. A moment later they were on his again, strong and short a few times, her hands holding his head down to hers. When she spoke, it was with a small and trembling voice.  
“You mean everything to me too. I could never admit it, I never... I was so afraid. But I want you, I want this. And I couldn't afford losing you ever again. It would tear me apart, it already did...” Before her voice broke completely Phil crushed her to his body, holding her even stronger than before, letting her tears soak into his shirt, being at the edge of crying himself.  
“Let's just try to not lose each other, okay?” Phil muffled into her neck. “Perhaps, we will be able to be happy then.” She laughed at his remark and his heart filled with a warmth he never wanted to miss again. And it was that moment that both Phil and Melinda decided to not let this pain of loss separate them ever again.

The End.


End file.
